Advice for Me in 20 Years

“What would you say to yourself 8 years ago? You know, if you had to give yourself advice.”

Well, I’d begin by telling myself not to go around asking people to crack my knuckles. “It’s a particularly strange habit and you’ll garner a negative reputation,” I’d say.  And then I’d tell myself to get rid of the beaded string hanging around my glasses, which regrettably depicted me as a premature, chicken-legged librarian. “Burn it,” I’d advise. I’d then break a devastating fact to my naïve and utterly simple sixth grade self. “The teachers can see you in the back of the class acting like a psycho,” I’d say with grim sincerity.

You get the picture. The list goes on and on. I’d rather not revisit those days; in fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve already chucked all 3 of my middle school yearbooks into the Pacific. I have high hopes that they’ve journeyed through the digestive tract of an exceptionally vicious great white.

Instead, I’d like to give advice for 39-year-old me. There are lots of things I have to say to future Ashley.  I’ve devised an especially useful list that I’ll surely revisit in 2034—after all, I’m in the smartest stage of my life.

1. Don’t let the kids ruin you.

If you even have kids, that is. You? With kids? Really, really bizarre. We’re talking about the same person who accidentally allowed her rat to stick its face into a lit cinnamon candle (luckily, singed whiskers were the extent of the damage. You can stop dialing ASPCA).

But if you do happen to have kids (there’s no stopping you, I guess—or maybe there is. That part’s a little confusing), I advise you not to let them ruin your life. I.e., try to stick with the stuff you love. Reading. Writing. Acting like a sophisticated maniac. Point being, don’t be one of those moms who looks tired 24/7; keep the pep in your step. And if all else fails, pack up the kids and move to the Virgin Islands because at least you’ll have the sun to keep you kind of happy.

2. It’s okay to still eat SpaghettiOs.

Don’t feel bad about yourself if you still haven’t cooked anything beyond Ramen, or if you still don’t really understand the meaning of “sauté.”

Keep in mind that you can whip up a mean turkey and cheese sandwich. You know how to cut (certain) vegetables. You can slice a bagel in half with no issue at all. Most importantly, you understand how to work a can-opener. So don’t worry about the rest; it’s just fluff.

3. Getting a dog or a buffalo might not be a bad idea.

Human companions are awesome and stuff, but animals don’t talk, and that’s really what’s so great about them. Investing in a pet that you can walk around the block is a splendid idea.

You'll get the privilege of naming it, feeding it, and petting it. In return, you'll receive unconditional devotion. It’s a rather fair trade. Plus, if you feel aggravated at everybody for no apparent reason, you can walk Rufus around the block and by the time you return you’ll feel calm again. It’ll be wonderful, free therapy (the only real price is vet bills, which you can afford because by this time you’ll have your college degree. And if you can’t afford it then move back in with Mom and Dad. Or go feed yourself to piranhas).

4. You can still go places even though you’re old.

Venezuela. Australia. Hungary. Thailand. Hell, you can even go to Canada if you’re desperate enough.

Whatever you do, don’t start believing that you’re swamped down by too much sh*t to travel. It’s an epidemic that has run rampant in Generation X. “I don’t have time for it” is the single lamest excuse in the solar system. There’s plenty of time, but eventually there won’t be. So go to Bangladesh and demonstrate your awesomeness before you get arthritis.

The most important thing for you to remember is that you can be fabulous and 39 at the same time. It’s incredibly difficult, but it’s certainly achievable with hard work and dedication. Don’t let me down—I’m counting on you.

The Five-Hour Phone Challenge

“Wow, everybody’s on their phones,” my cousin said.

I looked up from my gadget to assess his statement—and yeah, he was right. All of the eyes of my kinfolk were fixed firmly on their small screens, absorbed in whatever colossal occurrence was taking place in cyberspace.

I immediately felt ashamed—not of them, but of me. Here I was, at my own family gathering and I was focusing all of my attention on something lifeless and unequivocally trivial. It’s sad, really. What I should have done beforehand was put my phone in a place where I wouldn’t be tempted to use it, like a drawer in my room or on top of the fridge. After all, “family” is a close second behind God on the list of The Most Important Things, and I was brazenly insulting its rank.

I can’t remember the details, but I’m sure I put my phone down for three to four minutes and then forgot all about the importance of family and picked it up again and resumed Twitter stalking. Pathetic? Indeed.

Which is why I decided to complete The Five-Hour Phone Challenge as of yesterday, January 7, 2014. And yes, the event deserves capital letters, because it was a big deal: five whole entire hours dedicated to life itself rather than my iPhone. The fact that it was a big deal is embarrassing; nonetheless, I think I’m improving.

At approximately 11:47 a.m. yesterday, I put my phone on the charger. Sitting on the ground next to it, I played roughly 10 rounds of Ice Cream Jump, weeping on the inside for my inevitable departure. At 11:59, I bid my last farewell, and set it down. I stood up, freshly rejuvenated, entirely ready to take this challenge by the cojones . . . and walked away. I glanced back once, and it was kind of like that heartrending romantic drama where the jerk guy walks away and the girl stands there with this sappy idiot look plastered on her face, like, wow, I just got played. I was the guy (minus the jerk part) and my phone was the girl left in the dust. It was played, big time.

I was extremely productive and industrious in this 5-hour span. Between 12 a.m. and 5 p.m. yesterday, January 7, 2014, I showered, ate food, leafed through a magazine, and watched six episodes of The Twilight Zone, give or take. I also observed Leonardo DiCaprio on Ellen.

So what did I learn from this experience? You probably expect me to say something cliché, such as “There’s more to life than smart phones.” But I already knew that. What I did learn was that showering and smelling good is far more rewarding than breaking my previous record on Ice Cream Jump. And that watching The Twilight Zone is a great deal more entertaining than Twitter. And that Leonardo DiCaprio is as sexy as ever.

I definitely recommend the Five-Hour Phone Challenge to all of you technology addicts out there. I can promise that you’ll grow as a person—I certainly did. In fact, I think I’m going to complete the 10-Hour Phone Challenge next. We’ll see what kind of awesome I can accomplish in twice the amount of time. 

6 Ways to Claim 2014

I’ve seen a hundred different variations of the same testimony, usually proclaimed on New Year’s Eve, with all of the gusto and bubbling enthusiasm that can be expected from standard self-improvement hopefuls: “[Insert year] is going to be my year!”

And then the new year comes, and the excitement begins to fade, and all of the hundreds of different resolutions that the masses so hurriedly pledged to are soon forgotten as easily as pineapple-flavored Yoplait in the fridge. Either that, or they actually try, fail, feel bad about it, break out the white wine and then decide that next year, in fact, will be their year.

Instead of resolutions that are doomed to flop (although I must admit, some people do stick to their oaths, and if you’re one of them, more power to you!), I’m offering some alternatives. Rather than trying to kick a habit or undertake something tedious and unrealistic, these six techniques for actually making 2014 yours are completely achievable. Give ’em a shot. What do you have to lose? 

1. Join something awesome.

A club. A gym. A church group, a sports team. Join something that gets you interacting with new people. That’s not to say your old friends are no longer worthy of you (that’s a little snobby, I think); just that sometimes making new ones is refreshing and energizing. Plus, breaking out of your bubble is healthy—you’ll instantly become more courageous. Practically Quasimodo level.

2. Read a book about why you’re amazing.

“A self-help book?!” you sputter in disgust. “Um, no.” But seriously, once you get over the idea, you’ll warm up to it. Because a) reading is awesome and b) who doesn’t want read about how extraordinary he or she is?! Read this one: You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero (available on Amazon or Google Books). Or The Art of Non-conformity: Set Your Own Rules, Live the Life You Want, and Change the World by Chris Guillebeau (available on Amazon or the Barnes & Noble website). If those titles fail to catch you, I don’t know what the hell to tell you. You must hate Harry Potter too.

3. Drink less.

As a college student, I see it all around me: Partying, partying, and more partying. Drinking isn’t bad—in moderation. But if you’re getting crazy every weekend, your liver is weeping uncontrollably and your dendrites are cursing the most foul of curses. Not only does drinking damage your body, which should be revered, but also, excessive alcohol ruins you. If you’re the kind of person who can only have fun when Budweiser is involved, then you need to do some serious reflecting. You’re better than that. Even if you don’t cut out alcohol completely, not drinking until you pass out is a decent start. Drink one less beer on your first try. If you make it, try two the next time, and then three. It’s a process, but it’s essential for your own good.

4. Subscribe to a blog and/or news outlet.

Instead of endlessly surfing your Twitter feed, read a story. Subscribe to a blog, personal or otherwise! Of course, I recommend this one. A few other options include The Daily Beast, which posts about everything from politics to entertainment to art, or Gawker, which also publishes content with a wide range of topics. Yahoo is another commendable source for news and other oddities. If you want to be really cool, and you’ve got a little extra cash, subscribe to USA Today, Time or The New York Times. Keep up with what’s happening, guys. You’ll find yourself thinking a little deeper and reflecting more about the world you live in. And then you’ll be able to use the word “sophisticated” when describing yourself in interviews.

5. Pick a day for charity.



Whether it’s volunteering at a soup kitchen, giving animals affection at a shelter, or donating 10 cans of SpaghettiOs to your local canned food drive, do something to make this earth better. The media is cluttered with awful stuff that people do, so reverse all of the wrongdoings by doing something nice. You’ll feel good, and you’ll set a fabulous example for the rest of mankind. Mark one day on your 12-month calendar that you’re dedicating to the greater good. If the kid in the picture can do it, you can.

6. Keep a journal.

You might be thinking that this is one of those “tedious and unrealistic” pledges I was talking about earlier. But hear me out: Writing is so therapeutic (you can trust me on this one).  And guys, it doesn’t even have to be daily—once a week will do the job. Pick a day, any day, and write about all that happened to you since your last entry. Or something you’re mad about, happy about, sad about. Write about anything. At the end of the year, you’ll totally be able to say that you have 2014 on record. Now that’s cool.