How to Be Cool Even When You're the Most Uncool Person on the Planet

Ironic. That’s what you’re thinking. Yes, a “how-to” piece on being cool published under a blog titled I Was Never Cool may be a bit of a paradox. As you ponder the complexity of this contradiction, you’re considering exiting out of the tab and returning to OneDirectionVEVO (which, by the way, is the 8th most popular YouTube channel—a deeply perturbing fact indeed). 

But seriously, guys, it makes total logical sense. Here’s why: While I never was cool, I currently am cool. Actually, that’s false. I’m still incredibly bizarre. But I can put on a fabulous act, an unquestionably perfect performance. I’ve been working on it since I was 9; ten years later, I’m officially awesome. And here’s the great part: these tips won’t just make you LOOK cool, they’ll make you FEEL cool, too.

P.S. Don’t question. Just do.

1. Eat Pizza Blast Goldfish wherever you go. Leave a trail.

2. Buy a really weird pet, like a boa constrictor, and take it to school. Unless you’re in pre-K.

3. Don’t download Flappy Bird.

4. Blast Chingy in Target.

5. Burn a chair in public. “It’s for the alpacas,” you’ll tell passersby.

6. Go all Dirty Dancing whenever you hear “Time of my Life.” Even if you’re in the middle of Family Dollar and don’t have a partner.

7. Buy hipster glasses and break them.

8. Become Seth Rogen.

9. Join the Mongo tribe of the Democratic Republic of Congo.

10. Wish for the revival of Tamagotchis at 11:11.

11. Wear your hoodies inside out.

12. Take Tylenol instead of Advil.

13. Use Internet Explorer.

14. Read about yourself having sex via YourNovel.com. 

15. Have a side of SpaghettiOs at every meal.

16. Travel to Cuba and make it back safely.

17. Feed ants (only viable during warm months).

18. Change the color of prisonwear to purple.

19. Use giant pandas as pillows.

20. Appoint Tom Hanks as your uncle.