Ironic. That’s what you’re thinking. Yes,
a “how-to” piece on being cool published under a blog titled I Was Never Cool may be a bit of a
paradox. As you ponder the complexity of this contradiction, you’re considering
exiting out of the tab and returning to OneDirectionVEVO (which, by the way, is the 8th most popular YouTube channel—a deeply perturbing fact indeed).
But seriously, guys, it
makes total logical sense. Here’s why: While I never was cool, I currently am
cool. Actually, that’s false. I’m still incredibly bizarre. But I can put on a
fabulous act, an unquestionably
perfect performance. I’ve been working on it since I was 9; ten years later,
I’m officially awesome. And here’s the great part: these tips won’t just make
you LOOK cool, they’ll make you FEEL cool, too.
P.S. Don’t question. Just do.
1. Eat
Pizza Blast Goldfish wherever you go. Leave a trail.
2. Buy a
really weird pet, like a boa constrictor, and take it to school. Unless you’re
in pre-K.
3. Don’t
download Flappy Bird.
4. Blast
Chingy in Target.
5. Burn a
chair in public. “It’s for the alpacas,” you’ll tell passersby.
6.
Go all Dirty Dancing whenever you hear “Time of
my Life.” Even if you’re in the middle of Family Dollar and don’t have a
partner.
7. Buy
hipster glasses and break them.
8. Become
Seth Rogen.
9. Join
the Mongo tribe of the Democratic Republic of Congo.
10. Wish
for the revival of Tamagotchis at 11:11.
11. Wear
your hoodies inside out.
12. Take
Tylenol instead of Advil.
13. Use
Internet Explorer.
14. Read
about yourself having sex via YourNovel.com.
15. Have a
side of SpaghettiOs at every meal.
16. Travel
to Cuba and make it back safely.
17. Feed
ants (only viable during warm months).
18. Change
the color of prisonwear to purple.
19. Use giant
pandas as pillows.
20.
Appoint Tom Hanks as your uncle.
