The Five-Hour Phone Challenge

“Wow, everybody’s on their phones,” my cousin said.

I looked up from my gadget to assess his statement—and yeah, he was right. All of the eyes of my kinfolk were fixed firmly on their small screens, absorbed in whatever colossal occurrence was taking place in cyberspace.

I immediately felt ashamed—not of them, but of me. Here I was, at my own family gathering and I was focusing all of my attention on something lifeless and unequivocally trivial. It’s sad, really. What I should have done beforehand was put my phone in a place where I wouldn’t be tempted to use it, like a drawer in my room or on top of the fridge. After all, “family” is a close second behind God on the list of The Most Important Things, and I was brazenly insulting its rank.

I can’t remember the details, but I’m sure I put my phone down for three to four minutes and then forgot all about the importance of family and picked it up again and resumed Twitter stalking. Pathetic? Indeed.

Which is why I decided to complete The Five-Hour Phone Challenge as of yesterday, January 7, 2014. And yes, the event deserves capital letters, because it was a big deal: five whole entire hours dedicated to life itself rather than my iPhone. The fact that it was a big deal is embarrassing; nonetheless, I think I’m improving.

At approximately 11:47 a.m. yesterday, I put my phone on the charger. Sitting on the ground next to it, I played roughly 10 rounds of Ice Cream Jump, weeping on the inside for my inevitable departure. At 11:59, I bid my last farewell, and set it down. I stood up, freshly rejuvenated, entirely ready to take this challenge by the cojones . . . and walked away. I glanced back once, and it was kind of like that heartrending romantic drama where the jerk guy walks away and the girl stands there with this sappy idiot look plastered on her face, like, wow, I just got played. I was the guy (minus the jerk part) and my phone was the girl left in the dust. It was played, big time.

I was extremely productive and industrious in this 5-hour span. Between 12 a.m. and 5 p.m. yesterday, January 7, 2014, I showered, ate food, leafed through a magazine, and watched six episodes of The Twilight Zone, give or take. I also observed Leonardo DiCaprio on Ellen.

So what did I learn from this experience? You probably expect me to say something cliché, such as “There’s more to life than smart phones.” But I already knew that. What I did learn was that showering and smelling good is far more rewarding than breaking my previous record on Ice Cream Jump. And that watching The Twilight Zone is a great deal more entertaining than Twitter. And that Leonardo DiCaprio is as sexy as ever.

I definitely recommend the Five-Hour Phone Challenge to all of you technology addicts out there. I can promise that you’ll grow as a person—I certainly did. In fact, I think I’m going to complete the 10-Hour Phone Challenge next. We’ll see what kind of awesome I can accomplish in twice the amount of time.